Canadian border agents have recorded an all time high of missing returning US visitors, according to figure released by StatsCan for the calendar year 2023. The report, made public last week, showed that a record of 20,000 US visitors to Canada were declared dead in mortuaries across the country, with the leading cause of death documented as “boredom”.
According to a Statscan spokesperson, “US visitors just couldn’t adapt to the slow pace of Canadian politics and news for more than 3 days”. They added “we saw warning signs in diners across the country – glazed eyes, stuttered speech, head waving and epileptic fits, often preceded by countless loonies thrown into newspaper stands like Vegas slot machines”.
Because of Facebook’s draconian policy of blocking out Canadian news sources, tourists were relegated to actually reading things, as well as relying on local gossip chains. In many case, the staring simply proved too much, with visitors collapsing midway through hamburgers, or Confederation Bridge toll waits. Scientists studying the phenomenon have vowed to find ways to sillify the political parties in the country, in hopes of turning the flood back to a trickle. “We can’t find anywhere near the level of craziness in Canadian politics that they’re used to south of the border”, said a spokesperson for the Department of Silliness in Government. “We have a staff of 14,000, but so far, they’ve been unable to crack this”, he added, while pleading to remain anonymous.
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