Loblaws to tackle high pork prices using suicidal pigs

Grocery giant Loblaws, stung by recent Tiktok viral videos attacking  the chain’s high pork prices, has announced a “groundbreaking initiative” to bring those costs “way back down”. In concert with 3 of the meat packing plants it currently sources most of its pork product from, the initiative will focus on developing suicidal pigs at the farm level, reducing slaughter overhead – one of the biggest factors on the wholesale pricing structure.  According to company president Don”Georges” Banks, the initiative will involve the installation of flat screen TV’s in the participating pork farms, playing old episodes of Romper Room and Barney round the clock, using volume 11. “We know that pigs are intelligent animals”, Bank said, ” and this will drive them absolutely f**ing nuts. We already tested it on 15 Loblaw cashiers, although we intervened in time just before they smashed their heads inside the till.”

Adding to the intelligence theme, Banks said that “our upper management team is confident we even might be able to train them to skin themselves, and divide their asses into bacon, steaks, and roast. But that’s phase 2, ok? Don’t shit on us if that takes a while.”

A Loblaw spokesperson also cautioned against expecting TOO much of a price drop. “After all, now we gotta pay an extra 5 cents an hour to those farm workers for danger pay. Either that, or find some Helen Keller types that work great with pigs.”