Point Lepreau CEO assures NB that nuclear plant is “perfdctly safe”

The CEO of New Brunswick’s Point LePreau power station has come out swinging after a stinging report by the province’s auditor general uncovered multiple safety and operational issues at the plant.  Lorrie Dory, who took over the position last fall after the former CEO took a job as the Green Lantern, shot back that “at no time was the safety of New Brunswick citizens ever compromised by the alleged shortcomings that asshole in Fredericton ‘supposedly’ found. They just ain’t true. The chickens we trained have been fully tested and certified as Nuclear Safety Techs. They have had several mandatory sessions of Simpson videos with detailed Homer instruction.”

Among the deficiencies the auditor general noted, his report said that “fridge doors were known to be left open for hours at a time, donut crumbs unswept, tampons in the reactor, and pop cans thrown out in the garbage instead of being properly recycled.” The report concluded “I’ve never SEEN such lax management before. Looks like a group of rowdy teenagers drunk at homecoming is running the asylum!”

In a press release sent out just this morning, the nuclear power plant doubled down on its safety record. “We’ve never had a fatal accident in the plant’s cafeteria yet in all the years we’ve been open. That record has to count for SOMETHING! We absolutely want to reassure the public that the plant has, and always will be, perfdctly safe.”