After a year travelling the globe studying the effects of climate change on soil layers, Nobel Prize winning scientist Dr. Bob Furappels has proclaimed that “all that talk about worms conspiring en mass to take over the world are just plain trash”. In a press conference held at his lab in Calgary, he displayed over 1,000 soil samples collected during his research, while handing out Blueray DVDs of weeks of video monitoring of the samples. “Not once did I see any evidence that the worms from different parts of the world were communicating with each other to plan world dominance. We saw absolutely NO activity of social media interactions, secret Telegram messages, encrypted WhatsApp texts, or even snail mail between the different grub species.”
Pressed by reporters, Furappels lashed out against accusations that 5 staff deaths were related in any way to their work in monitoring and testing samples. “Their bloody corpses could have been dismembered by any one of some well known depraved lunatics, including several politicians and lawyers I won’t name here. We need to wait for the results of their autopsies before we rush to any stupid conclusions.”
Among the 10 local and national news organizations that attended the press conference, a group of 102 fishermen also commented through a spokesperson that they had wasted an hour of their lives they’d never get back again attending the ballyhooed event in vain hopes of filling tackle boxes.
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