Poilievre tries jaywalking marathon to fire up courts

Desperate not to be drowned out by his right wing nemisis south of the border, Conservative second coming Pierre Poilievre held an all day jay walking marathon in Quebec City on Thursday, February sumpin, in an attempt to get RCMP handcuffs thrown on him and his ass hauled off to jail. “I need the damn court TV coverage if I’m ever gonna crack the damn Canadian boredom index”, he exclaimed in an exclusive interview with The Cactus. ” I can’t get a single porn star f***in interested in me, and last time I tried to stage a coup, the chickens took off like velociraptors down Yonge Street! And that stupid auditor general doesn’t even text message me, cause the Tories sure as hell can spend twice as much as those Trudeau clowns on a project like ArriveCan”.

Quebec city drivers meanwhile honked their horns vigorously in solidarity, some even swerving toward him in star struck idoltry. Despite constant pleas over social media to get the cops to swoop in and arrest him, the RCMP was unable to respond, focussing their efforts instead on the 10 bank robberies concurrently underway in the city’s south end. “That’s what’s wrong with stupid policing these days – priorities all screwed up”, a disgusted Poilievre spokesperson exclaimed, as he shouted out to his wife “yeah go hon! ram the bastard!”